Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
You Might Also Like
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force