before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
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me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I like long walks away from everyone
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.