Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes