Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

found this cool rock hiking today

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.