People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
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Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police