Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
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The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother