My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
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Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Awwwww shit.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail