wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
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Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
oh u like geography? name every lake
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.