wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
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[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
iPhone X
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ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.