Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
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“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring