[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
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My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”