Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
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My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I think the cat got the dog high.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.