My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
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GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Jurassic park gets weird
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
What the dentist sees
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.