i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
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her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
🚲+physics = winner
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Okay
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.