If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I unironically love this joke.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.