If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.