If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Lmao 🤣
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family