I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
You Might Also Like
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant