Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then![]()
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I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Jogging
![]()
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.