i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
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Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
bears
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
accurate
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running