If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I have a place for everything. The floor.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!