Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
When you let grandma cat sit
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.