I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
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when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?