I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
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i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
good work, everybody
pizza
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe