sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
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PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
ed has no gf cuz sheran away