Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
That eye roll….
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.