Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.