My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us