Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
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ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Extremely relatable.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.