I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
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My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
best review i’ve ever seen
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”