If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Meat Cute
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”