I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
You Might Also Like
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
welp
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.