This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
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Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?