[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
the composer
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”