HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
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Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I can’t be the only one 😂
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.