After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
You Might Also Like
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.