Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
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Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Best misinterpreted text ever!
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no