TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
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Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me