Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
A leaf blower, but for people.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.