john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
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idk flipping houses looks really hard
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I need a headline like this
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
thank god
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.