boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
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No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Um … Hot Wings please
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter