My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
You Might Also Like
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
what
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.