Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
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Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?