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Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen