‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
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My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
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My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Am I having a stroke?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*