me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
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I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma