Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
You Might Also Like
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
OMG 🤣🤣
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know