I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
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chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.