I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is