I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
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Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Tony Hawk, age 6
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.