1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
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Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My sex drive has a dui
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
😂 amazing answer