Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
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definitely did not do anything wrong
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.