Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
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Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
This is always good for a laugh.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.