I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
When libraries troll their patrons.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I am crying
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.